Fear Close to Home

Dear Sisters and beautiful brothers,

Last night, I learned that a woman was violently and torturously raped a few weeks ago on the Blue Ridge Parkway near Asheville.  She had gone to the woods…her temple… at sunset…to meditate. 

How many of us have done this?  Been inspired by the beauty of the day or needed a place to unwind and de-stress, and have hopped onto the parkway to go for a walk, hike or to sit in the beautiful heart of these mountains that surround us?  Often near dusk or even into evening.

Countless times. Hundreds if not thousands of times between all of us.  In fact, two nights ago I walked down from Shining Rock Wilderness in the dark…alone.  I stumbled upon a group of very tall, strong, quiet men, and for an instant, the message my mother so skillfully instilled in me…that I could possibly be raped and there was not a thing I could do about…came into my mind.  Just for a moment I felt fear…and then my friendly and intuitive nature bubbled forth.

As a woman, this sister's recent rape could have easily been mine.  Could have easily been any of ours.

Hearing about her horrific experience so close to home, both literally and figuratively, struck a chord living in the very depths of my soul.  It is the chord of all-encompassing, terrifying fear.  It is ancestral.  It is lifetimes old.  And, until last night, one that  I was not aware was so alive in me.

It struck so deep that I found myself not wanting to come home alone to my dark house deep in the woods, and so asked a  dear friend, who was empathic and generous enough, to spend the night so I could feel safe.  I now find myself concerned about the way I  live my life so freely, especially about my almost daily hikes in the woods - sometimes along the parkway - alone.  I wonder how I can continue to do what I like and still be safe.  The old heroic paradigm of "loving and lighting" it away feels hollow.  And mundane plans, like always bringing another girlfriend to walk,  doesn't seem like enough.

I feel constricted.  I feel less free.  It is like I was pulled from my cocoon of home and reminded that the world  is not necessarily safe to me…simply because I am a woman and, while a pretty strong one, can be overpowered by almost any man, especially one with a weapon.

Women around the world live intimately with this all-consuming fear.  It is a part of their daily nourishment.  It is often conceptual to me, an american living in relatively safety.  While these women are a part of my regular prayers,  this morning, I feel their fear in a very visceral way…it resonates physically and I find myself wanting to vomit.  

So, this energy becomes mine to deal with too…more than just in prayers.  So what do I do.  How do I live in a world with such violence and such fear? 

As much physical, emotional, and spiritual pain that this Asheville woman - who was simply meditating on the parkway - is now in, the man and the many like him, must have an equal measure of pain inside of them.  What sort of world grows a person who can become so distorted and dead inside as to have the capacity to brutally take the humanity from one of his fellow human beings… just because he could…just because she had the right parts to make it more available?  Who can hate so much to take something so intimate, so subtle, so tied to our heart and soul?  To take our sense of safety, our sense of being an equal human… all in the name of some violent, collective power struggle.

I ask, again, how do we live in such a world?

One in six women have been sexually assaulted.  When I walk into a potluck of friends, statistically several of the women in that room have had an experience like this - perhaps not so creatively horrific - but horrific none-the-less.  When I walk through a festival, there may very well be a man or two who has done such a thing, or had it done to them.  It's all around us, in the shadows.  And I am now consciously afraid of it.
 
I DO NOT want to be driven by this fear.  I DO NOT want to give up my daily walks along the parkway.  I DO NOT want to shut myself down to other people because there is a potential, and a statistic, that tells me they might hurt me in one of the deepest ways possible.  Yet, I also DO NOT want to leave myself vulnerable to the the possibility of attack either.

I hesitate tell my other sisters and brother about this recent rape on the parkway, because I DO NOT want to spread the seeds of fear.  Yet, I do so anyway, because to not share it may in a very real way put other sisters in jeopardy.

So once again, I ask, HOW do we live in such a world?

Do I ignore this shadow of our culture and say things like "I won't manifest such things, because I'm a trusting human being and so will only draw good things to me?"  This woman was in her woodland, pagan temple….meditating!  ONE IN SIX women is sexually violated!  I don't think ANY of them were asking for it or doing anything to manifest it.  You say my fear may manifest it?  Sister, this fear is collective.

Do I learn better ways to protect myself so I will live in less fear?  Perhaps I should take a self-defense class  or maybe go really extreme and buy bear mace or even another kind of self-defense weapon?   Yet, that won't breed a deep sense of safety in me…what if I forgot the mace on a walk, or shot myself or a friend…what if I'm still not strong enough.  In part, this tactic only breeds more fear.

Do I get angry.  I'm already angry. Angry that I live in a world where this happens.  Angry that I can't just go on believing that it's all "love and light" as long as I simply believe so.  Angry that my beloved home no longer feels as safe as it did 24 hours ago.  Angry that I'm afraid to be home alone.  Angry that I have to think about walking in the woods. Angry that my god/goddess allows such injustices. Angry, angry, angry.  I could let this anger build and wage a war on the men waging war on women.  Yet, this tactic simply creates more violence.

AGAIN, HOW DO WE LIVE IN THIS WORLD? 

In this moment, I really don't know.  I just know I don't like my options. 

Yet, one twinkle of hope comes to mind.  It is a quote attributed to Ghandiji…
"You must be the change you wish to see in the world." 

Perhaps this is my answer.  Perhaps I need to engage my fear.  I need to feel it. I need to grieve the pain of my sisters, both now and from the past, and allow it to move through me like water from a stream that feeds the wildflowers.  I need to feel it to clear it.

I need to learn to acknowledge and embrace the hate and violence that lives in my own shadow - the subtle fear and hate of men and of women,  the violence done to others through my own ignorance, the rape I  perpetrate on this earth simply by living and taking.  I need to acknowledge it and learn to forgive it.  And then learn to live in a more conscious way.  After all - one definition of the evil is simply a lack of awareness…a lack of awareness of the sacred.  And haven't we all done that in some way, shape or form?    Perhaps by engaging my own shadow, I will make a dent in the collective shadow of our culture.

I need to acknowledge that there is a chance that I may very well be raped in my lifetime, and there is not much I can do about it except to deal with it if it comes.  I need to show up for those who have been raped, help take it out of the shame closet and allow these women (and men) to share and grieve their experience.  By doing this, I in now way mean to engage in a victim mentality. In this world of duality, where a person can do unfathomable things to another out of fear, hate and ignorance, the perpetrator/victim relationship really does exist.  It doesn't mean we have to live in victimhood, yet victimization happens.  Ask the women in Africa who are repeatedly raped in their own homes as a strategy of war.

I need to somehow engage my brothers…especially the ones who have not stepped foot onto the road of self-awareness and equality…and open my heart to them, understanding they too are victims of a twisted energy that has been perpetrated by our unbalanced culture.  I need to courageously open to both the fear and pain - no matter how it manifests and what it evokes in me - and hold in my hands the various degrees of distorted hearts and souls of my brothers, my sisters and myself.  For we need to be compassionately lead into a new understanding and relationship.  I call on the compassion of Quan Yin and the Fierceness of Sekmet to do this without recoiling…no matter how ugly.

I need to remember…remember the sacred…remember my place in the whole of things.  Remember to create the change for more peace.  I need to remember daily this prayer... "god/goddess, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change (the outer world), the courage to change the things I can (my inner world) and the wisdom to know the difference."

In this endeavor…I ask for you, my a community, to take my and each other's hand and offer your own truth.  For I am only learning how to live in this THIS VERY REAL, CHAOTIC, WORLD OF LIGHT AND DARK…the one that contains blind rage, dark violence and unparalleled injustice.   My learning is to open my heart to both those that resonate and those that don't, and engage this conversation.  I ask you to take my hand and step into the shadows with me…to help create this change.

I am by no means an expert on how to do this…nor do I ever wish to become an expert by these means..the means of violence and rape. My deepest desire is that  no-one had to.  But they do…so let's talk about it.  Let's learn from it.  Lets walk towards something more whole.

I don't exactly know where to start…perhaps simply with this…a very authentic letter from my heart letting people know about this darkness that lives closer to us that we may have previously thought.   I hope that this letter brings more awareness…which from what I hear is the thing that negates evil. 

May we learn how to live here, in both the light and the dark, together…beautifully…authentically…and perhaps even fearlessly.

With much love and hope…as well as sadness and confusion…
Your friend,
Jacquelyn